The Protector Role

Why wives need protecting from stress

What does a husband’s duty to protect and provide really mean?

An exhausted wife posted this online, highlighting most of the common mistakes men make:

'15 years married and unhappy

It's hard to believe I'm writing this post. But, the reality is that this has slowly been building up over the last 8 years or so. So buckle up, this is gonna be a long one.

• Most couples wait around 6 years before seeking any kind of help for their marriage.

• By the time the man realises there’s a problem, the woman has generally been unhappy for the best of a decade.

• This situation easily develops when the man isn’t generous with his attention.

I'm (38F) a SAHM to our 5 children, whom I also homeschool. I'm currently 6 months postpartum and nursing our 5th. My husband (44M) works fairly long hours in a physical job, but he is generally helpful when he's home... he is a great cook and usually does the older four kids' bedtime routines.

But, we have some problems. And honestly, they've been building up for a long time, and I truly have no idea how to fix them.

I'm... tired. I have been pregnant and nursing for the last 12 consecutive years, oftentimes overlapping. I homeschool our kids. I do 99% of the housework, whereas my husband does the manual labor like building and/or fixing things around the house and yard. I manage all of our budgeting, bill paying, investments. I cook all weekday dinners from scratch, and of course feed the kids breakfast and lunch daily, although our oldest two have been learning to take more charge in that department. I take the kids to all their music lessons, homeschool co-op classes and extracurricular classes, sports practices, doctors appts, etc. We have never had a babysitter or any kind of childcare in our 12 years of parenting, so I am literally with our kids 24/7. They are my world and I adore them so.

And yet, I am SO tired.

• Research shows that recognising and accepting the existence of problems is crucial for change (Gottman & Silver, 2015), so it’s good that the wife has a clear idea of the problems, but the husband doesn’t seem to acknowledge their severity.

• Studies emphasise the importance of sharing of domestic duties fairly to maintain harmony and reduce stress (Wilcox & Nock, 2006). The wife sounds overworked.

• The husband is subjecting her to chronic exhaustion and burnout. This is a root of many marriage problems.

  • Physical exhaustion reduces energy levels and can lower the body's responsiveness to sexual stimuli (Reissing et al., 2014).

  • Emotional exhaustion from constant caregiving, household management, and stress can lead to decreased emotional intimacy, which is closely linked to sexual desire (Basson et al., 2003).

  • Chronic stress and fatigue can affect hormones like cortisol and estrogen, which play roles in libido (Dinh et al., 2020).

  • Feelings of burnout, resentment, or emotional disconnect can diminish attraction or interest in sexual activity (Leiblum & Bachmann, 2006).

Some more background info: I all but quit alcohol right before I found out I was pregnant with our 5th baby early last year. For years, I was caught in a cycle of drinking way too much as a way of coping & stimulation, and it was slowly eating away at me. My husband knew this, because I would cry to him about it for years. You could say I had a binge drinking problem. Our children were getting older, and I didn't want them to look at their mom with a drink in their hand every night. So when I got pregnant suddenly with our fifth, it was like an answer to prayer. Something happened to me then, and I knew I would be able to change. Every now and then I'll have a glass of wine or two, max - and no more. I won't touch liquor anymore, I don't drink at all during the week, and I haven't been drunk in 16 months. This is only due to the work of the Holy Spirit, because for years I tried and failed to break free of this bondage on my own.

My husband on the other hand... still drinks almost every night. I have been begging him to stop, or at least slow down, but he won't listen. Sure he may go a few days or maybe even a whole week without drinking, and then he's back at it every single night. Never getting blackout drunk or anything like that, but I can always tell because his speech slows down and words become a little more slurred. He thinks I exaggerate; I think he severely underestimates how much he actually drinks. For context, he goes through a bottle of whiskey in about 5 days, and never drinks less than 3 beers in one night. They are pint size beers, by the way, and despite his elevated liver enzymes, he's in denial about it all.

• Effective communication and mutual responsibility are essential for healthy marriages (Markman et al., 2010). The husband’s perceived indifference, or failure to act, despite his wife begging him to stop drinking exacerbates her feelings of isolation and desperation.

• His continued drinking is likely a coping mechanism to escape underlying stress, dissatisfaction, or personal problems. Avoidance often provides temporary relief but exacerbates relationship problems over time (Miller & Rollnick, 2013).

• Depression in men often manifests as withdrawal, irritability, or a lack of engagement, which can be mistaken for apathy or disinterest, leading to emotional distance (Kuehner, 2017).

• Substance abuse, including excessive alcohol use, may be a maladaptive coping mechanism for underlying mental health issues (Conway, 2014).

Anyway, this has led to a number of problems for us. One - I no longer join him in his habit, so it's created distance between us. Just tonight he had 3 ciders and is currently passed out next to me on the couch. I ended up putting the baby to bed and then getting the other four tucked in. Two - It makes me angry and sad. Not that he's still stuck in this cycle - because I was there too - but because he doesn't seem to care and thinks it's ok. Our older children have started commenting on his alcohol intake, and he just brushes them off. This crushes me, and I can't understand why it doesn't affect him more? Because our children are the entire reason I wanted to break free in the first place. They deserve to have parents who are fully present and not showing them that they need alcohol to have a good time. They deserve parents who point them to look to Jesus, not to a bottle or anything else.

• The wife's journey to overcome unhealthy coping mechanisms is commendable, yet the husband's continued drinking, despite being contrary to his partner's lifestyle changes, creates emotional distance and tension (Keller & Cummings, 2008).

• Alcohol abuse or habitual drinking by one spouse can act as a stressful mutual dynamic, leading to increased conflict, lowered emotional intimacy, and reduced martial satisfaction (Keller & Cummings, 2008).

• According to Gottman’s research on the “Four Horsemen” of relationship failure, dismissing or ignoring repair attempts—such as her requests for behavioural change—can severely damage relationship stability over time.

In addition, I have been telling him for years that I don't feel wanted or desired by him. He tells me all the time that he still loves me and finds me beautiful, but honestly, I don't care. His words don't back up his actions. Somewhere along the way of entering parenthood we forgot how to cuddle, hold hands, have conversations. Some days I realize we've barely touched. Our sex life has gone completely down the tube... and not for my lack of trying. After years of begging him for more, I just gave up. He says it's because we always have a baby or two in our bed, and yes I know he's tired from working a lot... I'm tired too... but there is no intimacy or romance left. I feel almost a bit awkward around him.

And let me just say that I'm not unattractive. Not to sound prideful, but I look pretty dang good especially after having 5 kids. I still get attention from other men - not saying I want it, but just putting it out there that i haven't just "let myself go." And yet, he barely looks at me. Not the way I want him to, anyway. And I finally admitted to myself what I've been afraid to admit for years... we're just not in love anymore. Yes, I still love him, and I know he loves me. But not the way I want to be loved, or touched, or held.

• Physical touch, compliments, and flirtation are important for reinforcing sexual attraction (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Her mention of barely touching and feeling awkward around him suggests these cues are absent or infrequent, leading her to feel unattractive or unnoticed.

• Emotional intimacy often fuels physical desire (Basson, 2001). Her feelings of being unloved, unwanted, and disconnected reduce her sexual motivation, as emotional receptivity is a key factor in desire.

• When her efforts to look good are not acknowledged or reciprocated by her husband, it can diminish her confidence and sense of attractiveness (Levy et al., 2014). Without positive reinforcement, she may interpret her appearance or efforts as unimportant.

• Over time, a lack of consistent sexual activity and physical closeness can erode sexual self-esteem (Leiblum & Bachmann, 2006). If she perceives that her husband is not interested or engaged, her own desire may decrease further. The absence of flirtatious or appreciative behaviors from her husband can lead her to internalize a belief that she is no longer attractive or desirable, which psychological research indicates can become a self-fulfilling cycle impacting libido.

We did couples therapy years ago, and that helped somewhat. But he was still fairly resistant. Even though I've mentioned to him that I think we should try it again, he never takes the lead. And quite honestly, I'm sick of taking the lead in our relationship. For years he's been letting us run on fumes, with minimal maintenance, that I'm tempted to just let it crash and burn. The thing is, I'm not even sure he'd notice.

I don't know what to do.'

• The stakes are high here. Research by Gottman and others shows that ongoing negative interaction patterns—such as criticism, withdrawal, and defensiveness—make it harder to repair the relationship over time (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

• By not addressing issues proactively, the husband is creating cycles of neglect, dissatisfaction, and emotional distance that will become harder to break as they persist over years (Johnson, 2008).

• And emotional deprivation within a marriage can increase the risk of infidelity—either emotional or physical—as individuals seek fulfillment, recognition, and intimacy elsewhere (Allen & Baucom, 2014)

• The husband could make some small but extremely powerful changes:

  • Foreplay, beyond its physical benefits, plays a key role in building trust, intimacy, and arousal. When a man takes time to engage in affectionate touch, gentle caresses, and caring words—such as complimenting her body or expressing appreciation—it can boost her self-esteem and make her feel valued and desirable (Leiblum & Bachmann, 2006).

  • Research on caregiver fatigue and burnout highlights that reducing daily burdens through assistance with household chores or respite can greatly improve mental health, emotional well-being, and overall satisfaction (Schaufeli & Bakker, 2004).

• He could also use these phrases to communicate empathy and validation effectively, which research shows would help rebuild his marriage (Gottman & Silver, 2015; Markman et al., 2010):

  • “I hear how tired and overwhelmed you are, and I want you to know I see how much you’re doing.”

  • “It hurts me to know that you feel unappreciated and unloved. I want to do better.”

  • “I realize that my drinking and lack of effort have hurt you and our marriage. I’m committed to making changes.”

  • “I understand that my actions—like not being there emotionally and physically—have created distance between us. I want to work on that.”

  • “What do you need from me to help rebuild our intimacy and trust?"

  • “I want us to work together to fix what’s broken. Can we come up with some steps we can both take?”

  • “I know I haven’t been the husband you needed, and I want to start listening more and supporting you better.”

  • “I’m sorry for the times I’ve ignored your feelings or dismissed your concerns. I want to do better.”

  • “I love you and want us to be happy and connected again. I’m willing to put in the effort to make that happen.”

  • “I believe we can work through this if we both commit to being honest and patient with each other.”

You’re not protecting your wife unless you’re protecting her from stress and low self-esteem. And you’re not providing for her unless you’re providing for her emotionally.

The problem outlined by this wife are extremely common. If you’re a Christian man looking to fix them in your marriage, go to patriarchy.com to learn to lead better.

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References:

Basson, R., et al. (2003). The female sexual response: A different model. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 29(4), 227–243.

Christensen, L. (2013). Family environment and adolescent alcohol use: The role of parental monitoring and peer influence. Journal of Child & Adolescent Substance Abuse, 22(2), 132–145.

Conway, C. C. (2014). Substance use and intimate partner violence: Implications for mental health. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, 28(3), 804–809.

Dinh, T. T., et al. (2020). Chronic stress, hormonal response, and sexual desire: A review. Hormones and Behavior, 124, 104789.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

Keller, L., & Cummings, E. M. (2008). Parental alcohol use and adolescent adjustment: Moderation by parental warmth and inconsistency. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(3), 437–445.

Kuehner, C. (2017). Why is depression more common in women than in men? The Lancet Psychiatry, 4(2), 146–158.

Leiblum, S. R., & Bachmann, G. (2006). Persistent Sexual Dysfunction. New York: Springer.

Levy, A., et al. (2014). Positive communication and satisfaction in couples: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(4), 467–479.

Mahalik, J. R., & Good, G. E., Jr. (2017). Masculinity and health behaviors. American Psychologist, 72(4), 286–297.

Markman, H. J., et al. (2010). Preventing Divorce: The Seven Foundations of a Healthy Marriage. John Wiley & Sons.

Messner, M. A. (2011). Masculinities and health: Male gender roles and health risk behaviors. New Directions in Child and Adolescent Development, 2011(134), 35–45.

Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change. Guilford Publications.

Reissing, E. D., et al. (2014). Fatigue and sexual function: An exploratory study. Psychology & Sexuality, 5(3), 192–211.

Schaufeli, W. B., & Bakker, A. B. (2004). Job burnout. Annual Review of Psychology, 59, 397–422.

Wilcox, W. B., & Nock, S. L. (2006). What’s Love Got to Do with It? Equality, Equity, andlassified as consensual or consens, and what role do they play in marital satisfaction? Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(4), 866–878.