Be The Leader She Desires

Practical Insights for Better Connection

This article will help you talk to your wife better. Most marriage problems stem from a poor emotional communication, so we’re going to explore how to fix this the right way.

I was recently asked this question by a reader, and it’s something men need to know:

Reader: Things between my wife and myself have got a lot better. I think she feels a lot more listened to by me. I've done a much better job at controlling my emotions around her. And we've been more intimate. She's been open to life now for several months now. We used to avoid having sex when she's ovulating, but that hasn't been the case for the past 4 or 5 months now.

But I just still feel like something's missing. She's told me that I kind of come across as someone who's kind of rigid – you know, like not very fun. And also when we're on a date, I let her do almost all the talking because if she asks me “Hey, how's work going?” or “How are you doing?” I don't always know what to say.

I don't want to reveal my inner anxiety, you know? But I think I'm coming across too cold, so I don't know HOW to share with her. Maybe I should just let her do most of the talking, but I sense that she wants more of a connection with me. And I don't know WHAT to share with her if that makes sense? I just kind of feel like I need to always present like everything's cool, you know? Like everything's going good. Which it is. But obviously that's not a very human connection necessarily.

Me: So are you saying that you feel she wants to know more about what you're excited about and what your vision for the next year, 2, 5, 10 years is, so you get her pumped up about where you're going in life? Or do you think she specifically wants to know more about what you're struggling with?

Reader: I don't think she knows what she wants, but I think I'm just noticing a kind of awkwardness in our conversations. Yeah, I think I do need to do a better job like getting her excited about my vision. I don't know how to do that.

Me: Ok, so I would just start by thinking about what you are interested in – just as a man. What kinds of things are on your mind or in your heart? You've got work. You can tell her about a few wins to do with work. Challenges you've overcome. Goals that you've got. But don't whine about it. And if you want her advice on something at work that's troubling you, ask her for her opinion. She'll feel useful and valued if you do that. But don't whine about it. Tell her the exciting stuff you're proud of at work. That's always good.

But then, apart from work, what are you actually interested in? What do you value? And why? And really think about that WHY. What's it doing for you as a man? How do you hope that is going to benefit your family, really? You’re one flesh, so she wants to feel connected to you in that way. What does this guy think about? What's he feeling? What are his plans?

It’s a bit like a sports team. The team wants to know what the captain has in store for the next season. Is he feeling optimistic? Has he got some new plays in mind? How does he feel? How are all the guys in different positions going to work together? What's it going to look like? They want to taste victory.

She wants to see how she fits into your view of what the future is for the family. This is really about you inspiring her – being the psychological and emotional provider rather than just some boring robot who goes to work and brings home some money then doesn't really say much.

Now, if you don't know the answer to these questions – why are you interested in reading books about finance, learning about virtue or whatever – then you haven't figured it out for yourself yet. So do that first, and then share your insights with her.

I would even write down how you spend your time when you're not at work and not interacting with your wife and your kids. What’s it all for? And talking to her will actually help you to think it through properly. That's normal. You don't need to have a perfectly polished answer.

For example, you could say, ‘well, I was kind of thinking that because of what I'd read in this book that was exciting, maybe we could work on this for the next 6 months. What do you think?’

And she might say, ‘Oh, wow! I’d never thought about that before. I could see that that would helpful.’

Then, suddenly, a conversation starts.

It’s about knowing what you're about as a man.

Pope Francis talked about this:

‘for a worthwhile dialogue we have to have something to say. This can only be the fruit of an interior richness nourished by reading, personal reflection, prayer and openness to the world around us. Otherwise, conversations become boring and trivial. When neither of the spouses works at this, and has little real contact with other people, family life becomes stifling and dialogue impoverished.’

In other words, you can't really be fun and interesting unless you are interested in stuff, unless you're nourishing your own mind.

Filling her with insights is also a kind of foreplay, in a way, because it's getting her inspired by you and interested in you because you are exciting. You're supposed to be the most interesting person in her life. That's what being her best friend involves

So that’s one angle: focusing on you as a man. But then you’ve got her as a woman.

What do you want to know about her? What questions do you want to know about her? What's it like to be her? What makes her tick? What's she excited about? What’s she worried about?

And it can't always be that you're just some kind of diagnostic algorithm for stuff that's stressing her out. Are you worried about the kids? Yes/no. Are you getting enough sleep? Yes/no. Do you feel stressed? Yes/no. Don’t make it like a flow chart where you're just trying to figure out how you can get the next solution for her.

Instead, you actually want to show that you enjoy just hearing her thoughts and letting her bounce ideas around. That needs to be the thing you take pleasure in – just having the actual conversation.

So what ARE you interested in about her? Some women, deep down, know the guy doesn't actually care. He's not interested. So they wonder what the point of talking is. He doesn't care. He's just faking to be interested because he wants sex.

You've got to be genuinely interested. Don't have a fake question just for the sake of asking a question.

Has she read any good books recently? What interesting podcasts has she listened to recently? Has she got any old films that she wants to revisit with you? Places she wants to go to? Memories you two have together? You've got a whole life together to talk about.

And apart from serious stuff like that, there's also just silly stuff. Just jokes. Just playing around. Teasing her. See if you can get her to laugh. That's important, too.

Imagine meeting a woman for the first time. You're trying to seduce her. A lot of conversation is about making her feel comfortable and relaxed in your presence. You don't go in with really deep hardcore questions straight away. You just focus on having fun. It’s small talk. Just the pleasure and the fun of conversation in the moment. It doesn't have to be about big, deep, important things.

And if small talk is something you struggle with, then there are books you can read on that. You can also just watch some fairly relaxed TV shows together and talk about them as you go. That can be a good stimulus. I bet she's probably got a few shows that she'd like to watch with you.

Reader: Yeah, she loves Gilmore Girls. She's been watching that a lot lately.

Me: So try watching some episodes with her and talking to her about it. See what kind of stuff she gets animated by.

Reader: How do I know if I'm genuinely interested in her, or if I'm just doing it out of a sense of duty, you know what I mean?

Me: If you care about the answers. Do you actually care about the answers?

Reader: I don't know. I think so. But I do find my mind wanders when she's talking to me, and I catch myself – I didn't even hear the last 3 sentences that she said. But I try to fight against that tendency. I don't know if I'm trying to fight against it because I actually care, or just because I think that's what I'm supposed to do as a husband. How do I make myself more interested if I'm not?

Me: Pay more attention to the stuff that she does for you – the difference that she makes in your life. And think yourself into her shoes day to day. Imagine you've been busy, run ragged by the kids all day, stressed and haven't had time to talk to friends or go out by yourself. Then, finally, an adult enters your life at the end of the day, when he's done from work. And you're looking forward to having a conversation with an adult. And it's also an adult you find kind of interesting and respect as well, and that connection has a lot of meaning and value.

Make the most of this. She’s looking to hear from you. She appreciates attention from you, and that's partly what the Catechism of Trent means by saying we have a duty to treat our wives honorably and generously. Being interested in her is a way of doing that. You honour what she's done for you, and the sacrifices she's made for you. You honour the difficulties and strains of motherhood and being a wife, and you're generous with your time and your attention and your concern.

When you do that, then you help her feel cherished – which is really what women want. She wants to feel cherished and valued in the same way that you want to feel respected.

But if you don’t do this, then you’re taking her for granted. You don't really care about asking questions. You don't care about the answers. And then you’re also expecting great sex? No, that’s not how it works. No woman who's living like that day to day outside the bedroom is going to really get excited in the bedroom. But that's what a lot of guys do. That's the mistake.

Reader: Yeah, that makes sense. You've told me in the past to give her at least 90 minutes of uninterrupted time per week. Maybe I need to be more relaxed about how I spend my time.

Me: Make her a priority. Show with your ACTIONS that you're interested in her. The secular clinical psychiatrists recommend 90 minutes minimum. But you could hit that sevenfold. Really look at your schedule and think about what your actions are showing that you value. What are they communicating to your wife about what you value? And wow's that going to make her feel about herself?

And none of this is weird. You're not weird for having these questions or having these doubts and problems. It’s just marriage. It’s hard.

That's why a lot of people make a mess of it.