Traits Men Should Have

A young man writes in with some questions

Things about myself for perspective. I am 22 years old. Decent job and on track to finish school and start my coding career by this FEB. Strong believer in Christ, chaste virgin by choice, wanting to better myself and be the best man I can be for my future wife and children. Also, I live in America. 175lbs lean.

This is all great. Well done. But your weight doesn’t mean much without your height. If you’re tall, 175 is too light: get bigger and stronger so you are better able to protect your wife and family.

1: Should men who are virgins/chaste be wary of women who are not when entering relationships? In my experience with a previous GF, the “perspective gap” posed quite a problem in waiting for marriage. She was in a rush to get it on; I was not. I was patient and wanted to know just who exactly I was dating. One day she said I could never understand her point of view, and that she needed ”it.” Her lack of self discipline and addictive behavior led me to have suspicions of infidelity so I left the relationship. She said she wanted to wait and we wanted the same thing but her actions spoke otherwise. Could be a singularity, but I haven’t dated again to find out. Decided to focus on school since then and worry about women later. Definitely would like to hear you thoughts.

Always be wary even if the woman you’re courting is a virgin. ‘Guard your heart’. But this is even more important if she’s not a virgin. Why did she fornicate? If it’s because she can’t control her sexual desire, that’s a warning sign. She might cheat on you. And does she believe in contraception? Abortion? Divorce? Because of the role she will play in educating your children, these are vital considerations.

But it’s natural that she wanted sex. Peak female fertility is around age 20. Women should be married and pregnant by then.

Don’t let being a virgin make you concerned about your ability to satisfy a woman sexually. There are studies showing that women are more likely to orgasm with virgins they’re more attracted to than with sexually experienced men they’re less attracted to. A rich man who’s spent his life studying pickup and slept with thousands of girls can’t beat strong chemistry with a virgin.

And sex is also like figure skating or dancing because doing it more with the same partner means better performance. Modern culture makes it sound like lots of one-night stands equates to sexual prowess with your future wife. That isn’t true: read women’s magazine about faking orgasms if you doubt me. More sex with your wife means better sex with your wife.

2: In the current state of westernized society and the strong influence of the feminist movement, do you think it would be better for a young man to move and start life in a foreign country that’s less developed but more traditional like the Dominican Rep, Panama or Mexico in order to find a good wife and raise a family? Or are they better off finding/building/adhering to small communities of people here in the U.S with more Christian/trad values?

Approach mixed-race marriages or marriages involving two very different cultures with great caution. Marriages aren’t just between two individuals. They involve extended family as well. This increases potential problems. Sometimes they work well. My wife is half Caribbean. But she was raised British.

In general, I’d recommend trying to marry local, preferably a girl whose family your family knows through church.

3: What are some things you would recommend men do in their free time when they are single but not ready to court/marry (still building themselves)?  Suppose after reading, studying and lifting I find myself bored. They say you are who you hang around, so I tend to limit my time with friends. Any recommendations?

You could make better friends and spend more time with them. But apart from that charity work is good, especially for guys suffering from depression. I also recommend taking courses in practical skills that men often lack today: basic DIY skills like plumbing, wiring, car maintenance, carpentry and landscaping are likely to make your future wife value you more highly and find you more attractive.

You should also be spending lots of time with your parents, grandparents and other family members.

If you’re still bored after that, spend more time praying. And remember that you shouldn’t always be seeking stimulation. As Pascal said, a lot of trouble in the average man’s life would be eliminated by developing the ability to sit quietly in his room.

4. When courting, what are some automatic RED flags men should watch for?

Believing in divorce is the main one. Another is wanting to work outside the home. Those directly threaten your future marriage. And approval of homosexuality is also a red flag: that’s not what you want her to teach your children.

You should also treat fat, lazy or argumentative women with extreme wariness. They’re likely to be poor role models of virtue for your children and also hard for you to live with.

If she speaks badly about her parents to you, especially her father, that’s also a bad sign.

5: When courting, what are some automatic GREEN flags men should watch for?

The main thing is she ought to be submissive. That ensures the Biblical dynamic between husband and wife. Beyond that, peak fertility is around age 18-25, so that’s good. So is expecting you to provide for her while she stays at home with your children. And if she’s got a good relationship with her family and shares your religious beliefs, that’s even better. Then you can look at things like enjoying baking, exercise and general orderliness and tidiness. All of that helps in running a household.

6: A lot of people say, “Don't be in a rush to get married. Have fun, explore the world, buy nice things and live your life then settle down.” What is your opinion on this? 

That is degenerate advice. The likelihood of fornication is high. And pre-marital promiscuity doubles the risk of divorce. Living like that also often involves abortions whether you realise it or not. And for women in particular it means wasting their years of peak beauty and fertility on men who don’t care about them.

Get married young.

7: Is it wrong to date/marry younger women when we get older? Young women tend to not be attracted to 22y/o men (not established in our career, live with our parents and majority can’t fit the provider role), while on the contrary women hit their SMV peak around 25. How old is too old for men to date women and how young is too young (age gap limit?). I apologize if the question seems superficial, but it can't be ignored.

Large gaps in age or social status often don’t tend to work well. I don’t think there are hard numbers. But marriages between very wealthy 50-year-old men and beautiful but poor 25-year-old women are asking for trouble.

And since marriage increases a man’s earning power by around 20%, the longer you wait to get married the more you miss out on this. Getting married at 22 means you're likely to be richer at 30 than you would have been had you remained a bachelor trying to get rich in the hope of attracting a woman.

Ideally, you want a woman who trusts you and will support you while you provide for her.

That’s what my wife did with me.

8: It appears to me that men have to prove themselves to women socially, financially and physically. When courting, where would you draw the line between healthy courting and plain simping? As the ultimate example of the masculine role is Jesus, and self-sacrifice, I could see how many men get sucked into cynicism/nihilism (at worst) or confusion (at best) when giving too much or no enough and getting nowhere with women. Thoughts?

Men fail by putting women above God, disrupting the divine order. That’s what simping is. It’s Satanic. The Old Testament is full of stories warning about it.

The pickup-artist community has a lot of advice about “game,” and most it is just harmless, basic social skills for autistic video gamers. But it all fundamentally fails in that the ultimate aim is generally fornication.

That’s the ultimate loss of masculine frame.

If you’re not fornicating or cohabiting, you are establishing the strongest of possible masculine frames. And if she can’t cope with that, she’s revealed herself as unsuitable, saving you problems later.

Let me repeat this point because it’s so counter-cultural: whereas chastity strengthens, indulgence emasculates. The more you succumb to women, the more of a simp you become. The manosphere is right to tell you not to put women on a pedestal.

Only God deserves your worship.

But what the manosphere doesn’t understand is that true male strength means chastity. It’s why even men who claim to oppose political liberalism won’t abandon sexual libertinism: they lack the strength to.

And that’s why the radicals weaponised sexual libertinism as the spearhead of cultural revolution.

9: What are some essential character traits men must have?

There aren’t any exclusively masculine virtues. The cardinal virtues are the same for men and women: prudence (practical wisdom) is the bridge between the moral and intellectual virtues, and then justice (fairness), fortitude (courage), and temperance (restraint).

The Latin root cardo means ‘hinge,’ and it’s helpful to think of the cardinal virtues as a hinge on which the less virtues pivot. Aquinas mentions this verse at least six times in the Summa:

‘And if any one loves righteousness, her labours are virtues; for she teaches self-control and prudence, justice and courage; nothing in life is more profitable for men than these.’

Although these are the same for men and women, the two sexes inflect them differently.

As the head of his family, a man must exhibit kingly prudence - what Aquinas terms the ability ‘to rule and give commands.’ He must know both what to pursue and what to avoid, guiding his wife and children through life. And his leadership needs to be clear and quick. He must get them to do what is right in the moment, not struggle to express it or figure it out in hindsight.

Regarding justice, the father - as the head of the family - ensures all family members get what they are owed in fairness. The father must first love and serve his Father in Heaven. He owes God worship. If more men understood this, more men would be religious. Religion isn’t primarily about feelings: it’s about justice. Having given God what justice demands, the father must then give his children the education in religion and piety that he owes them. If children don’t see piety in their father, it doesn’t matter much if they see it in their mother. The household tends to be secular. The father must also ensure his wife - whose nature aims at nurturing and tenderness - does not impede fairness by being too merciful when punishment is due.

In defending his family from all that threatens it, the father will require fortitude — fearing and then braving the right things in the right way. As the world becomes more demonic, the demands made on the fortitude of fathers will increase. Living in the truth requires courage. A judge who is afraid to make the just decision is not good. He must have the fortitude to do so.

And without temperance, especially regarding touch and taste, the father will become a slave to his own appetites and therefore forfeit his position as leader, bringing disorder to his household. Look at the ruin alcoholics and adulterers bring to their families.

Aristotle said that ‘office will show a man,’ and how a father leads his family is the greatest test of his character. He must display all these cardinal virtues. But the Christian father must also display the supernatural virtues of faith, hope and love.

Love perfects justice and prudence. It is willing the objective good of the beloved, not merely doing what feels affectionate to you. The father must be both gentle and tough.

Hope keeps the father going no matter the difficulties that beset his family. And he will criticise his family when necessary but without resentment and in order to lead them to virtue.

Faith means the father understands that self-sacrificed is required. This tests his fortitude.

Like Christ, the good father is priest, prophet and king. Chrysostom expressed this powerfully in Homily 20 on Ephesians:

“Husbands,” says he, “love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church.”

You have seen the measure of obedience, hear also the measure of love. Would you have your wife obedient unto you, as the Church is to Christ? Take then yourself the same provident care for her, as Christ takes for the Church. Yea, even if it shall be needful for you to give your life for her, yea, and to be cut into pieces ten thousand times, yea, and to endure and undergo any suffering whatever — refuse it not. Though you should undergo all this, yet will you not, no, not even then, have done anything like Christ. For thou indeed art doing it for one to whom you are already knit; but He for one who turned her back on Him and hated Him. In the same way then as He laid at His feet her who turned her back on Him, who hated, and spurned, and disdained Him, not by menaces, nor by violence, nor by terror, nor by anything else of the kind, but by his unwearied affection; so also do thou behave yourself toward your wife. Yea, though thou see her looking down upon you, and disdaining, and scorning you, yet by your great thoughtfulness for her, by affection, by kindness, you will be able to lay her at your feet. For there is nothing more powerful to sway than these bonds, and especially for husband and wife. A servant, indeed, one will be able, perhaps, to bind down by fear; nay not even him, for he will soon start away and be gone. But the partner of one's life, the mother of one's children, the foundation of one's every joy, one ought never to chain down by fear and menaces, but with love and good temper. For what sort of union is that, where the wife trembles at her husband? And what sort of pleasure will the husband himself enjoy, if he dwells with his wife as with a slave, and not as with a free-woman? Yea, though you should suffer anything on her account, do not upbraid her; for neither did Christ do this.

10: My sister, age (27) says people tell her to “date around, gain experience and collect data” and when she finds the right person cut the rest of the other men off.” Thoughts on this?

That is foolish advice. Does ‘collect data’ mean sleeping around? The more she does that, the less men will value her. As grandmothers used to say, ‘the man who can get the milk for free won’t buy the cow.’

And human beings aren’t data anyway, nor is your sister a dispassionate scientific researcher when it comes to matters of the heart. As Viola laments in Twelfth Night,

How easy is it for the proper-false

In women's waxen hearts to set their forms!

Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we!

For such as we are made of, such we be.

The men will imprint themselves into your sister’s soft heart because women get emotionally attached more easily than men do.

There’s also the danger of becoming too attached to romance. Marriage is largely about self-sacrifice and duty. A decade of dating isn’t good preparation for that.

At 27, your sister’s focus should be on finding a man to marry quickly.

11. My other sister (age 23) asks, “In this current phase of my life I am focusing on myself, moving in purpose and seeking first the kingdom of God. I don’t feel as though I’m in the right place to be actively pursuing a husband or seriously dating. In the meantime, how to manoeuvre my relationships with the men in my life. How do I make sure I keep appropriate boundaries, physically and emotionally with male friends to ensure I’m guarding my heart until the right time/one comes along.”

Men and women cannot just be friends. All her males friends want to have sex with her. If she’s not ‘seriously dating,’ what kind of dating is she doing? Unserious dating? There’s no such thing.

The essence of womanhood is the potential for motherhood, and at 23 she’s around peak fertility. Historically, the vast majority of women her age were already married with multiple children. That is God’s plan for almost all women.