The 4 Kinds of Fathers

Common parenting pitfalls to avoid

Thank you for your patience while my work on my Marriage Mastery Coaching Program has sidelined my Substack over the last three months. I now have the time to write more here. Before resuming my usual philosophical, political, theological and literary content, however, I’d like to share with you some of what I’ve been doing.

As the failures of feminism become more obvious — women unhappier than ever, boys suffering due to having no biological father in the home, falling fertility rates, etc. — many people are calling for a return to tradition. But for men who’ve probably never seen patriarchy lived well, this comes at a risk.

Raised on an enfeebling, paltry diet of feminism and gender ideology, 21st-century man gorges himself on the richer, more appealing fare of authority, dignity and duty. Look out, ladies — there’s a new sheriff in town. Just like a starving person, however, he’s not ready for it, and neither are his wife or children. It can easily be vomited up or prove fatal to the family.

So what are the pitfalls he needs to avoid? There are four ways to be a father, and only one is correct:

Liberalism has left almost all fathers today in the bottom two quadrants.

Failing Father 1: Responsive and undemanding

This father gives his children everything they ask for. If he has a comfortable wage, he probably thinks that alone makes him masculine. Playstation 5? No problem, son — not even a need to wait until your birthday or Christmas. Whatever you want is yours. I’m your provider, and I’m here to satisfy all your wishes.

But this father is also undemanding. His children’s grades and behaviour, for example, don’t matter much. Anything goes. In fact, he often feels uncomfortable disciplining them at all because he wants to be liked. He’s more of a pal than a parent. Maybe he even calls his son “mate”. Especially during his children’s teenage years, when questions of sexual morality surface powerfully, he gives little to no guidance.

Failing Father 2: Unresponsive and undemanding

If the first father gives his children everything they ask for, this father doesn’t even pay attention to them. He might be too busy at the office. Chasing status, he’s forgotten his real work starts after his job ends each day. Alternatively, he might not have a job.

Perhaps he’s absconded altogether and doesn’t care what his children do. To him, they’re nothing but a cost of “free love” he’d prefer to avoid. He won’t spoil his children like the first father will. He’ll starve them instead — not just materially but psychologically and spiritually.

Failing Father 3: Demanding and unresponsive

Whereas the first two failed fathers have low or no standards, this father might be able to quote Scripture about how he’s the head of the house. If it’s not Scripture, it’ll be Andrew Tate. Make me a sandwich, woman. Look at the floor when the patriarch passes, children. Maybe he wears a bow tie to breakfast.

His standards are exacting. In his mind, he can make his family perfect. If there’s a problem, his solution is always the same: patriarchy harder. Although demanding, however, he’s deaf to the reality of the frailty of human nature — not only in his wife and children but also in himself. He lacks the ability to adjust to life in all its frustrations and limitations.

Flourishing Father 4: Demanding and responsive

This father not only has high standards but puts in high levels of effort to ensure he’s adapting how he exercises his authority to the reality of his family. He understands that his wife needs companionship and can provide him with valuable counsel concerning managing the children — especially when they are very young, when her expertise is likely to exceed his.

He understands that authority involves putting in time, building trust, using his talents and knowing those of everyone else in the family. He knows the virtue of prudence involves making the most of all the information available to him, adjusting to how things really are rather than proceeding to how he imagines them to be.

There is no quick fix, and backsliding is always possible when complacency creeps in. As Gabriel Marcel put it in Homo Viator,

“Fatherhood nearly always presents the character of a more of less hazardous conquest, which is achieved step by step over difficult country full of ambushes.”

What examples of these four kinds of fatherhood can you think of from life or literature?