How to handle conflict

No masculinity without humility

The Catechism teaches us that marriage is tough. There's going to be lots of periods of bitterness, frustration and conflict. But you can be secure in your knowledge that you'll get the grace to get through it, and there are also things that you can work on to handle it better.

Have realistic expectations

To begin with, if you do get a bad day, are you surprised? Do you feel like you've been hard done by? That it's not fair? Is it something that you want to wish away? Or is it something you actually face with a smile, thinking, oh, here we go again.

This might expose some things. Perhaps you haven’t done very well in the days beforehand, and those mistakes have all added up, so this is now an opportunity for you to have a deeper conversation with her. Find out about what's contributed to this, and see it as a great chance to grow.

That's the masculine way to look at it instead of just thinking I wish this would stop.

What have you been encouraging?

Behaviour you tolerate is behaviour that you actually implicitly approve and end up inviting and encouraging. So if you’ve been feeling disrespected recently, ask yourself why you haven't said anything.

Take a two-pronged approach. In calm moments, talk with her about why some of these flare ups have happened. Say you understand that life is stressful, and there's going to be tough times, but you’re wondering whether she feels whether there's anything particular that’s contributed to the conflict recently.

Empathise with her about the fact that sometimes it’s hard for her to figure out the problem is exactly. And perhaps there were many things in the week building up to it that all added up — in which case you’d love to hear more about how that felt from her perspective.

See what she says. Just be patient. Listen.

Don’t get defensive

There'll probably be a lot of good information there, and then when it does happen again — and it will — you'll be able to manage it better. Don't get defensive or attack her in the moment. Just say that you feel it would be best if you didn't carry on like this in front of the kids right now and that you can talk about it later.

Ask if she can appreciate that. Especially if you've had deeper conversations in calm moments about how this isn't good energy for the kids to be surrounded by, she should be able to.

Be consistent

As the leader, you’re always setting the tone. You say NO to disrespect because you’re saying YES to a thriving marriage. Deep down, how you want to run your family has no place for this behaviour you’ve been growing resentful. And she doesn't want the kids to see it either, if she thinks about it.

But make sure you're always heavily stressing the empathy to begin with. Don’t just say, ‘Stop it. The kids don't need to hear that.’ That's too callous. This is much better: ‘I see that you're struggling with XYZ. And I get that it’s hard. I’m happy to talk about it and help you however I can. But for now let's just focus on having a good time with the kids. Is that OK?”

And if there's something you can do in that moment — like just give her 10-minute break to go and have a drink or sit outside by herself while you give some immediate relief — then offer that because it can make a big difference. Women who are highly strung and anxious often really need this.

Lifelines vs. Rising Water

Whenever she needs a lifeline like this, your deeper focus needs to be on how the waters got so high. Why does she feel like she's drowning? Don't fixate on the moment. Think about the whole situation. Perhaps two weeks or minor stresses have coincided with her hormones on this day plus a specific trigger from the kids.

So it’s not *just* about what you think it’s about.

This is why empathy is so important for conflict managment.

Be grateful

Learn to see all arguments as indicators of where you’re weak as a man and need to improve your marriage. Focus on finding your flaws. It’s an opportunity for growth that’s far more powerful than the complacency that might come from things going smoothly the whole time.

Humility is what helps us to get to heaven. And because of that, marriage is one of the main ways we get humbled because of the difficulty of living with our own weaknesses from original sin and those of our wives.

We learn that we can't do it without God's grace.