How Marriage Forges Masculinity

No pressure, no diamond

A lot of men tell me they don’t feel “ready” for marriage or leading in marriage. But masculinity is rarely about feeling ready. Often, you have to take action despite not feeling fully ready. As Aristotle said, courage is closer to recklessness than it is to cowardice. You know the risks and recognise your own limitations but do it anyway because it’s important.

This is true in many areas of life. In the gym, for example, the guy who trains consistently and hard makes more progress than the guy pussyfooting about finding the “optimal” program. And if he pays even minimal attention to what works and doubles down on it, he’ll get practically closer to optimal than the pussyfooter will anyway. Hard work is rarely wasted.

Theorising, however, not only often wastes time but also cloaks effeminacy. It’s easier to read and write about gym programs than it is to train hard. Listening to another hundred hours of podcasts about entrepreneurship is easier than starting a business. Reading books about masculine role models is easier than doing your daily duties to the best of your abilities.

Intellectuals especially are prone to this kind of effeminacy. And the mass of information available on the internet means we all fancy ourselves as intellectuals nowadays. In the gym, however, the recklessness of the meathead keeps him closer to reality. In the famous words of Ronnie Coleman, “Everybody wanna be a bodybuilder but don’t nobody wanna lift no heavy-ass weights.” Ironically, it’s the meathead whose head is screwed on right, whereas the intellectual often loses his. And the same goes for marriage and masculinity. Do the heavy work.

Ultimately, masculinity is about what you do, not merely what you dream of doing. This is why Christianity teaches that your will matters more than your intellect does. Submitting to God and serving Him matters more than having knowledge of Him does. The devil knows God. In fact, he’s an expert theologian.

Marriage is a school of perfection because of how it trains your will. Leading your wife in building a happy, successful family together perfects you both in the process. It helps you attain the purpose for which you were both created, and progressing towards this purges your defects as you go. Not only are your personalities steadily enriched as you become more fully yourselves, but your faculties are developed by simply doing your duties:

• If you’re a slacker because you lack fortitude, having to provide for your family will light a fire under you. No pressure, no diamond.

• If you’re disorganised and inattentive because you lack prudence, having to manage the household finances and plan for the future will make you work hard exactly where you’re weak.

• If you lack justice and put your colleagues above your family, your parents above your wife or your wife above God, you’ll suffer the consequences and be forced to correct your mistakes.

• If you lack temperance, especially regarding sex or food, you’ll have to learn self-control.

Yes, this is hard. But men do hard things, and marriage is a sacrament that gives you the right to the graces you need to accomplish your duties as a husband and father. God won’t steal the struggle from you, but He will strengthen you for it and use it to sanctify you. The struggle of raising a large family forces you to become less selfish as you grow in love. Thinking of the good of others makes you more sympathetic and understanding.

Being the provider and protector for your wife — not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually — involves constant support, encouragement and assistance. By giving this, you learn to be a better companion, and in your actions together you help each other towards a more perfect imitation of Christ. The husband becomes more masculine, and the wife becomes more feminine.

There’s no better way to develop your virtue than by actually doing your daily duties. You become more courageous by repeated acts of courage. You develop the strength of character to say NO to your wife by doing it. Through marriage, men become not just stronger, firmer and more self-controlled but also less selfish, more sympathetic, more tender, and kinder.

Your responsibilities are a constant reality check and deepen your understanding of life. You’re protected from a shallow preoccupation with yourself. This is the divine plan.

Perhaps most importantly, marriage is also the best remedy for pride — the root of all sin. Despite your best efforts, you’ll fail in lots of little ways daily that will teach you humility. You can’t make your family perfect by your own power alone because perfection isn’t yours to give. Aquinas says that the devil fell through wanting to earn heaven by his own efforts alone. But the more seriously you take doing your daily duties, the more you’ll realise you can’t possibly do them without Christ’s help.

Pride is the real reason theorising cloaks effeminacy. It’s easier to fantasise about being a better man than it is actually to BE a better man. The blueprint of masculinity you got from your favourite book flatters your pride — until you plug yourself into it.